First Time I Saw Me
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When was the first time you saw yourself in the media? When was the first time you saw a film, read a book, watched a TV episode, or engaged in any other form of media and thought to yourself, "I've had that same experience!" or "wow, that character looks like me"?
Authentic media representation is pivotal in promoting acceptance for marginalized identities who are historically invisible in mainstream media or portrayed using inaccurate stereotypes. When you finally see a person or character in media who truly resonates with you, it is an incredibly powerful feeling.
In the wake of excitement surrounding media such as Crazy Rich Asians, Black Panther, the reboot of Queer Eye, and others, the Inter-Asian Council presents the #FirstTimeISawMe campaign. We want to celebrate your moments of realization with the screen, and we want to highlight your stories about how media representation has impacted you. This project serves as a platform to explore the importance of authentically representing marginalized identities in film, TV, literature, video games, social media, and much more!
Zoya Sattar
"The first time I 'saw myself' was in the book Blue Jasmine by Kashmira Sheth. Although I say I grew up in Oklahoma, I spent much of my childhood moving between America and Pakistan. I had a very confused perception of what it meant to be American, South Asian, and the daughter of immigrants – I had thought of these things more as being separate identities than existing together.
Blue Jasmine was the first book I recall reading with a Desi-American character, one that hit on all the points of feeling torn between two spaces where years of distinct experiences laid. I'm pretty sure no one else got the chance to read it in elementary school because I would check it out so often!"
Shaina Morris
"The first time I saw myself was not in a successful actor sharing my racial identity, a courageous heroine in a novel, or even a prize-winning female scientist. The first time I saw myself was in a drunken, raunchy, animated horse with a long-dead acting career and a penchant for self-destructive activities.
Bojack Horseman, the title character of the Netflix comedy, resonated with me in a way that no kind of media had before. His development throughout the series centers around his persistent depression and substance abuse, with hard hitting realism far from the glamour of Thirteen Reasons Why and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. My personal struggles with these exact issues were mirrored in the show, my frustration encapsulated in the quote 'I don't know why I feel shitty! I just want... to not feel shitty anymore.' Finally somebody, even a fictional horse, understood my persistent emptiness, nihilism, and apathy. Finally here was somebody who understood my substance use as an escape from a meaningless life.
Bojack Horseman showed me that it's okay to let myself feel the way I do, but also that 'it gets easier.' 'But you have to do it every day, that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.'"
Aran Chang
"Seeing myself for the first time in media is a process that's still happening now, as I learn more about my identity. First time seeing an Asian American in popular media was through American Dragon: Jake Long from Disney. First time seeing a trans Asian American in popular media was last month actually through an Instagram star."
Tiffany Bui
"I was a big Lil Peep fan, so I started exploring music in his genre and discovered Cold Hart, the co-founder of Gothboiclique. It was rare to see other Asians in the emo movement as it's usually considered a white boy thing. Cold Hart coldly embraces his fashion style and self-expression, and comments openly about mental health, all the while being memey. It made me feel reassured that just living my best self when I'm out there being edgy was OK, and that I didn't need to conform to what people expected of me. And of course, his music is great."
Allison Jiang
"I first saw myself in Violet from The Incredibles. I must have been very young, but even then I was aware that, as an Asian person, there were certain spaces I could not occupy and certain roles I could not play. Violet Parr and I had the same straight black hair, and she was shy and soft-spoken, just like me; but when the time came, she was fierce and brave. She loved her family and would do anything to protect them. These were the same qualities I loved about myself, but I had never seen them represented in someone who I truly identified with. I wanted desperately to be Violet, and even though I knew she was not Asian, I convinced myself that she might be. Even though Violet made me feel like I could be brave and amazing and beautiful, I wish I didn't have to pretend she was not white. "
Susan You
"The first vivid memory I have of someone who looked like me was Wendy from the Disney Channel movie, Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior. I was shocked to see an Asian cast for an Asian-American plot. Although I am not a Chinese immigrant, I felt a connection between me and Wendy because of her difficulties blending two different cultures in a very American community and setting. The mix of languages - weaving in and out of her native tongue and English - was something I related to. The heavy emphasis of cultural survival and pride was something that hit home."
Kush Mansuria
way was in Slumdog Millionaire (2008). I actually haven't seen the movie, but I remember hearing the buzz about it at home and in school. My parents were especially excited as this was the first time they saw significant South Asian casting in a mainstream film (that was not Bollywood). I think for them, being in America for almost 15 years at that point, they were excited to see Indian Americans being cast as leads and not accessory roles like a taxi driver or convenience store owner.
More personally, I related with the Bollywood film, 3 Idiots (2009), especially the main character. I found the main character's take on life and how he dealt with its challenges inspiring, which is why I continue to watch it. It has also become my go-to film to show to my friends and others, and it has had many positive reactions and conversations, which I find encouraging."
Brenda Quesada
"After I arrived in America (Miami, Florida), I remember being up late at night as my parents discussed our immigration status. I turned on the television and "I Love Lucy" was playing. The first time I saw myself in television was in the form of Lucy's husband, Ricky Ricardo (played by Desi Arnaz), who was a Cuban singer and the leader of his band. Seeing a Cuban character, played by a Cuban actor, on television in America surprised me very much. I was used to watching Spanish cartoons back in Cuba, and I hadn't really seen "myself" in anything. Coming to America, I expected to only see white people and their struggles. I never really knew the impact of Desi Arnaz on television until much later in my life.
Ricky Ricardo had a lively personality, cared deeply about his wife, and loved his Cuban heritage. Hearing him talk so fondly about Cuba, his love for both his parents (as well as arroz con pollo) and slipping into Spanish during heated moments, made me proud to be Cuban. Seeing his struggles as an immigrant trying to “make it” in America and live the American dream gave me hope as an immigrant that one day, I could be like Ricky Ricardo. I could contribute just as much as he did to making this new country my home by embracing my Cuban roots and using them to make my experiences in America richer. I could live out my own version of the 'American dream'."
Rebekah Lo
"The first time I 'saw myself' was in this book series called Camp Confidential in 3rd grade. As an Asian girl, a lot of people in my school had pigeonholed me into the nerdy Asian stereotype, especially since I worked really hard because of my parents' and my own expectations. I started playing sports in Kindergarten. I was really into it. Often times, the boys would never pass to me because I was a girl and the nerdy Asian. Back to the main point, I was an avid reader in 3rd grade. I tore through several book series, and my librarian suggested I read this camp series. One of the characters I immediately identified with was Alex Kim. It was the first time I've read a book with an Asian girl name. I actually remember running to tell my mom when I got home from school. Alex Kim was an academic perfectionist, but at camp she was the soccer star. She never let any of the guys' comments stop her from proving herself an equal or even better athlete. My dad used to tell me that I could be better than the guys on my team, but of course that comes from your parents so you tend to discredit them a bit. Seeing this character in this book who was so fierce despite everyone telling her she couldn't be who she was because of a stereotype was inspiring. I didn't realize back then what kind of impact that would have on me. Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that it's stuck with me through all these years. I've even told my sister when she was younger to read it, and when she did, she told me that a certain character sounded just like me!"
Josena Morris
"The first time I saw myself in popular media was when I discovered Superwoman on YouTube. Her experience as an Indian woman who struggled with assimilation and rationalizing Indian culture in Western society really resonated with me Growing up, my family was very distrustful of popular Western ideals, and that created an internal battle for much of my childhood. Seeing that other people had gone through similar experiences was really empowering."
Smitha Mahesh
"It was when Priyanka Chopra starred in the TV show "Quantico." When the first scene of her aired on ABC channel, I was amazed that this bold, brave, liberated, and brilliant character was instilled in a woman that looks like me. Priyanka Chopra has worked very hard to make it into the American media light, from movies to songs and now television. Every episode captured my attention because the show made it very clear - Priyanka Chopra, a woman like me, is real, is authentic, and is very much a symbol of liberated womanhood. And that is so important to me. Growing up as an Indian-American 1st generation child, my parents instilled in me the beautiful values of Indian culture and Hinduism. However, while growing up in American culture, having Indian blood within me made it frustrating and a lonely experience to not see someone like me in any form of media, much less a liberated bold Indian woman in the media. It was because of Priyanka Chopra, Lily Singh, Deepika Padukone, and so many more inspiring women in media that I had strength and courage to be my freely-expressed self."
Frisch Rocel
"The first time I saw myself was when I was a young kid watching TFC, The Filipino Channel. But she wasn’t quite me; she was a half-Filipina celebrity with pale smooth skin and Caucasian features who would still be considered more Filipino than me because she was actually from the Philippines. While I, a small brown Filipino-American girl with too big eyes and a too wide nose to be considered anything other than Filipino was still not Filipino enough since I’d been born and raised in America. I had asked my mom if that lady on TV was the same ethnicity like us. Later, she had me washing exclusively with papaya soap and told me to stop rubbing my nose as if it would get wider. That was the first time I saw someone of my ethnicity.
The first time I saw myself was when I was 8 years old. It was Katara from Avatar the Last Airbender. She is a brown girl, a powerful waterbending prodigy who used her skills to actively fight and dismantle the patriarchy of both the Northern & Southern Water Tribes, as well as save the whole goddamn world. Aang would have been lost without her. But really, it wasn’t so much that I saw myself in her so much as I had wanted to be her. I wanted to be strong and independent and cause change in the world. I dressed up for her that Halloween because someone said I was too brown to be Toph. That was the first time I saw the person I wanted to be.
The first time I really saw myself was last year, when I was 21 years old. My friend suggested watching a cheesy movie for his birthday, so Filipino Students Association watched The Debut, a movie from 2000 featuring Dante Basco. I saw myself in Basco’s character, a young boy who was so initially ashamed of his Filipino heritage that he wanted to skip his sister’s debut (which is pretty important for Filipinos) and tried so very hard to separate his white friends from his home life. I watched him argue with his parents, and I watched him struggle to speak his native language, much to his family’s embarrassment and disappointment. I watched him come to the realization that maybe he loved being Filipino. I cried when I watched this movie. I had never seen anything capture my exact struggles with my culture and heritage and experiences. “Honestly same” was the phrase of the night. This movie came out when I was 4 years old, but it’s so old and obscure; there’s a good possibility I never would have heard of it had it not been for my friend. Where are the Filipinos in the media? East Asians got their turn with Crazy Rich Asians. I think it’s Southeast Asians’ turn now."
Keiyi Yin
"Without question, this character for me is Sun Wukong from Journey to the West.
Sure, it's a story from the mainland, and I lived my life as this immigrant kid in New Zealand, who watched the cartoon adaptation of "Xi You Ji" on repeat. Still, it resonates. Do I mention how the Monkey King was born from a rock, so he differs from other monkeys by circumstances of birth alone? Do I talk about how he wants more than lush mountains and flowers and fruits, how he wants an education, and to do that, he crosses an entire sea to study? His energy, his determination, how he always strives to be better? And what's not to love about a character who disrupts Heaven and tries to outwit the Buddha himself?
When I left Aotearoa for the United States, one of the first things I packed was a figurine of him, purchased in January 2017 from a street vendor in my birthtown Nanjing. "You can 学本领* together," my mother jested. "Return to 花果山** as an even greater person." Freshman year, I kept him on my desk. This year, he stands on my windowsill.
I'm not sure if my Mandarin would ever be good enough to read the original, so Ming Dynasty epics in their full integrity are lost on me. That's why adaptations are so powerful though: they make really impactful stories accessible, and - with no intention of sounding corny - they bridge the gap between cultures. There's so much literature, so much history, so much about China, that I don't know, that I can't access because although I can speak the language, my reading comprehension is lacking, and the works I want to access spans centuries.
* learn skills. Unfortunately, in my case, these skills are not shapeshifting, cloning myself, and being able to somersault 13k miles.
** "Mountain of Flowers and Fruit", the place where Sun Wukong was from. In this context, refers to New Zealand."
Isabel Rios Pulgar
-What kinds of expectations do you encounter in regards to yourself?-
I am expected to be just another pre-med.
I am expected to be a typical Californian Asian-American.
I am expected to be quiet and polite with my family.
I am expected to be smart.
I am expected to always be happy.
I am expected to be able to handle all the work on my plate.
I am expected to be healthy.
I am expected to take care of myself.
I am expected to understand Chinese.
I am expected to make my family proud.
-What role do expectations play in your life? Have these expectations affected your decisions?-
My mom has always told me that I have the highest expectations for myself— more than what she, my family, and society imposes on me. Although people say that expectations stem from societal and familial pressures, personally it stems from the fear of not wanting to disappoint. It affects all the small decisions that I believe would lead to success even if it means swallowing all the pain that I’m feeling to keep moving on. Some days it’s a good thing because it keeps me motivated. Other days, it makes me feel small and worthless. Ultimately, I think that setting expectations upon myself help me get back up after every time I fall.
-Why do you believe it is important to challenge or defy expectations?-
Expectations can be good, bad, and neutral. However, it's important to challenging expectations when it all becomes too much and starts impinging on your health, happiness, and identity. Remaining complacent means that you accept someone else's mold instead of your own. Everyone has too much soul to be handled by someone else
Victoria Lei
"There were a couple East Asians dotted all throughout media when I was growing up (Trini the Yellow Power Ranger, Mulan, etc.), but everyone felt very trope-y, or they were clearly just a side piece with no conflict of their own. Then in 5th grade, I stumbled across a book at the school book fair with a young Asian girl on the cover, dressed in a baggy purple sweatshirt, hair pretty plain and pulled back into a simple ponytail - cheesy at it might sound, she looked the exact same way I did that day. The book was entitled, "Child of the Owl," and it changed the way I felt about myself as an Asian American. The protagonist, Casey, is ethnically Chinese, but is raised completely outside her Chinese heritage. This changes when her father is sent to the hospital for long term care, and she is forced to move to San Francisco's Chinatown and experiences extreme culture shock, and is constantly rejected by the society as a whole for behaving like a good Chinese girl. The author describes her as being "too American to fit into Chinatown, and too Chinese to fit in anywhere else," and it resonated with me in a way not even my family (Chinese immigrants) could understand. Being the first on both sides of my family to be born in the US, it constantly felt like I was deep in the middle of a huge gulf between American culture and Chinese culture, and no one was willing to help me out of it. It was the first time I'd seen another Asian girl as not some exotic doll to be trussed up in stereotypes and marched about as the token minority, but a human with conflicting feelings about expectation, family dynamics, and culture. The book doesn't have a "happy" ending; she's still caught between two worlds, but she ultimately finds a sense of serenity in knowing the beauty of her lineage, which is more than any of us find, sometimes"